A Boulder County Land Use Fable

A long time ago in the Land of Marx, the brave and beautiful Lady Equestrienne saw that the People were in need, so she purchased an existing indoor riding arena and associated facilities so that the People, and their horses, could have a place to train and exercise.

Lo and behold! The People came, and rode, and the Commerce was Good.

But there was a serpent in the Garden. Deep in the bowels of Castle Art Deco, the Lord Protector of Land Use pricked up his pointy ears and sniffed the air. “Fe fie foe fum, I smell Commerce,” he growled. The Lord Protector called for his coach and sallied forth with his henchmen, in search of the malefactor.

Arriving at the arena, the Lord Protector’s henchmen frog-marched Lady Equestrienne before the Lord Protector, forcing her to her knees. The Lady trembled with fear and abased herself, begging the Lord Protector for mercy and dispensation, so that she could continue to provide a needed service to the People.

“What temerity,” bellowed the red-faced Lord Protector, “I hold the Mace of State and the mighty Land Use Code, which MUST BE OBEYED!” He struck the prostrate Lady with the Mace of State and brandished the Code, and Commerce was brought low.

But the People, outraged at this abuse, stood up and cried, “Lord Protector, this is insanity. Lady Equestrienne has not done anything wrong. The facility has been long established, and for years has been abandoned. She has brought life and joy and recreation to the People. Please, great Lord, withhold thy fury and grant this Lady dispensation, we beg of you.”

“Nonsense,” shouted the Lord Protector, “The mighty and infallible Land Use Code must be upheld in every jot and tittle. I shall not yield!” Again he struck Commerce down, and Commerce lay near death in the Land of Marx.

But standing quietly to one side, unnoticed by the Lord Protector, was a wizened, grey-bearded Scholar. The Scholar stepped forward and said, “Lord Protector, is it not true that the owner of agricultural property such as this may keep her own horses and use and enjoy the facilities without violating the Code?”

“Why yes,” said the Lord Protector, “she may. But she may not engage in Commerce.”

“Lord Protector,” asked the Scholar, “how many of the People may own this facility?”

The Lord Protector waved his hand over the Code, which fell open, and the Lord Protector perused the Provisions. As he perused the Provisions of the mighty Code, beads of sweat began to appear on his forehead. “Well, it seems that there is no limit on the number of people who may own one piece of land,” he said nervously.

“Great Lord, would each owner of this land be entitled to keep his or her own horse here, and use and enjoy the facilities?”

Now the Lord Protector, beginning to see the trap, stammered and hesitated, but the Code began to glow and the Lord Protector was compelled to speak the Truth. “Yes, each owner would have a right to keep up to 16 horses at the facility, and use and enjoy the facilities at their pleasure.”

The Scholar turned to the assembled multitude and said to the Lady, “Why don’t you sell a fractional interest to each person wishing to use and enjoy the facilities. By becoming owners, the Code is preserved and the Lord Protector is rendered impotent to prevent Commerce.”

The people gasped in astonishment as the Scholar spoke, because behind him, the Code had become a brilliant star in the Lord Protector’s hand, and it froze him, as if he were a statute. At that moment, the Mace of State ripped itself from the Lord Protector’s hand, circled the assembled multitude thrice, and rammed itself up the Lord Protector’s alimentary canal.

The Lord Protector, shrieking in agony, waddled away, never to be seen again in the Land of Marx.

The moral of this story is, “Live by the Code, die by the Code.” When faced with a mighty Bureaucrat, do not stand and face him directly, for surely you shall be defeated, because he wields the Mace of State. Instead, do as the Scholar suggests, in the Oriental way, deflect the attack and cause the Mace of State to enter the alimentary canal of the Bureaucrat at high velocity.

 

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